10. the sixth sense
ghost: mischa barton
likability: i wouldnt want to costar with her, ill say that much
mischa barton plays a little kid ghost that wants to hang with the main kid. but all she does is cry and moan and complain i think about how her mom poisoned her dead or something? no one wants to listen to her bullshit. oh and she pukes. gross!

9. the frighteners
ghost: michael j fox
likability: um yeah tons, hes michael j fox.
he freezes himself to become a ghost temporarily so he can go and fight the grim reaper or whatevs. doesnt matter. michael j fox is awesome ghost or not. sorry chi mcbride. michael j fox beats you this time. and every time.

8. indiana jones: raiders of the lost ark
ghost: a bunch of ghost head things that came out of the ark
likability: some, but they melt faces and stuff.
they start out as hot chicks so youre like oh, yeah those are some good ghosts but then they turn into scary heads like this and turn all those dudes into skeletons and melt their faces. not very friendly ghosts in that ark i tell you. theyre like some of those hoodlums my fists dealt with back in my days as a bouncer at the double deuce.

7. casper
ghost: casper duh
likability: well hes pretty cute.
casper died when he was a young devon sawa and is harassed by his evil ghost uncles and stuff. but he loves to love and he loves trying to make out. his target is christina ricci who hes constantly trying to woo but he doesnt even have a tongue so i doubt hes gonna get much until he turns back into sexy as devon sawa. take it from me, patrick swayze.

6. the shining
ghost: old lady who turns from hot to not
likability: she nasty.
ew. no one wants you, old lady ghost. so go away. she tricked jack into thinking she was hot and then turns into this. just like johnny utah pretended to be down, but nope. he wasnt down the way i thought. but id rather fuck keanu than this lady. amiright? AMIRIGHT!? miss you, keanu.

5. scrooged
ghost: bill murrays old parter, lew
likability: hes pretty rad, but hes scary
hes pissed off and he wants a drink, but he cant drink because of all his bullet wounds and stuff. the booze goes right through him. he seems intimidating and violent when he hangs bill murray out of the window but he doesnt drop him because his job is not to kill him. so he obviously follows directions. not like me when i was a dance instructor at kellermans. they wanted me to do the flamenco but i did my own dance, the way i wanted to do it. and i rocked it.

4. thir13n ghosts
ghost: token naked chick
likability: well she’s definitely hotter than 12 other ghosts
i think they refer to her as the “angry princess”. i dont know why being naked with huge fake titties makes her a princess but ok ill deal with that. she sits in a bathtub being naked and stuff. so yeah, shes a pretty rad ghost because most of the ghosts i know would find a robe.

3. ghostbusters
ghost: slimer
likability: tons. hes so silly!
slimers just there to have fun. he loves messing with the ghostbusters and driving buses. he also apparently loves filling his mouth with piles of shit. but i really dont think slimer would hurt a fly. hes a sweet ghost. hey remember when i was in too wong foo, thanks for everything julie newmar? that was fun.

2. pee-wee’s big adventure
ghost: large marge
likability: fuck. none. shes fucking creepy.fuckin large marge gave me nightmares for years! she seems like the sweetest old lady truck driver who talks really creepy and stuff but then! she makes that face! ahh. no i will not tell ANYONE that large marge sent me. definitely not. sorry.

1. ghost
ghost: ME! double entendre!
likability: pssh. duh.yeah other ghosts are nice and all, but im pretty sure i win at being a ghost. what other ghost can do pottery? and fight off bad guys who want to fuck my wife? and hang with whoopie goldberg. none. i win. and now im showing my real ability at being a ghost, up here in heaven. :(

*honorable mention: how high
ghost: the dude with the unibrow or something
likability: hes caring, patient, and loyalthis guy dies because he falls asleep with a joint, but he comes back to be there for his friend. and then his ashes are made into pot, and the pot makes redman and method man smart. you may be wondering why i made this the honorable mention. ill tell you why. because its my favorite of all of these ghost movies. besides ghost. good reason.

10. johnny, the mentally challenged tag-along of the raping rednecks
movie: i spit on your grave
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
johnny just wants to fit in with his fellow hicks, so when they all want to rape jennifer, what’s he gonna do?! i’m pretty sure that he lost his virginity that day when he too stuck it in. but he really didn’t seem to know any better! that doesn’t matter to jennifer. she makes him dead for it.

9. tone loc, BAMF
movie: blank check
crimes committed: stole a million dollars, harasses a kid and kidnaps another.
i do not condone stalking a child and trying to hit him with a car or anything like that, but how can you hate on tone loc?! he’s quite the palsy-walsy kidnapper, i must say.

8. steve zissou
movie: life aquatic
crimes committed: a whole bunch of theft
steve zissou can do no wrong.

7. gary oldman with 1/2 of crispin glover’s hair in charlies angels
movie: the fifth element
crimes committed: he’s just a straight up bad guy
he tries to destroy the planet and kills lots of aliens and blah blah, he’s a bad guy. but i would still totally be his homie.

6. earl mott, bleached blond bill pullman
movie: ruthless people
crimes committed: robbing robbers.
bill pullman, also known as pill bullman, is blonde and plays a blonde. because he’s a dumb blonde! but dumb blondes can still commit crimes just the same.

5. hoodrat chris lloyd
movie: dennis the menace
crimes committed: all sorts of street crimes
he’s smelly and gross and steals and kidnaps dennis but he could definitely kill him and he doesn’t, so there’s something to be said for his patience, amiright?

4. bobby peru, big time babe
movie: wild at heart
crimes committed: murder, attempted rape, robbery
if you looked like this, you’d steal and rape too.

3. alan arkin as elton john
movie: wait until dark
crimes committed: breaking and entering, robbery and stuff.
when you’re suave and wear shades inside, you can pretty much do whatever crimes. if you’re cool about it. how many people could attack audrey hepburn and still be likable?

2. gonorrhea-riden sam rockwell, aka wild bill
movie: the green mile
crimes committed: multiple murders during a robbery
because he’s sam rockwell, and he’s silly and loud, he’s hard not to want to room next to in the slammer. he’s there purely for comedic purposes and to show us how diverse of an actor he can be.

1. simon phoenix. as if there was anyone cooler.
movie: demolition man
crimes committed: he’s a plain old villian.
he looks cool. he acts cool. he de-eyeballs dudes. best of all, he has his own tagline.

*honorable mention: carl wayne bishop, the guy who is on trial for something.
movie: jury duty
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
so i guess in the end, he’s innocent, we would have known this much sooner had pauly shore not been such a selfish dick and stanley tucci could have gotten the blame he deserved. poor sean whalen. first he loses the radio contest due to lack of milk and then this. oh and that time he got the flaming arrow shot at him on lost.

*honorable mention #2: the guy who lost his limbs but got them back
movie: body parts
crimes committed: getting his limbs back from people who had them attached, plus some killing prior.
the dude kills a bunch of people and loses his body parts because when a person gets executed, their limbs are totally up for grabs. but dude’s NOT cool with that, so he gets them all back. the reason i love him is because of his devotion to his limbs or something. he’s just rad.

10. splash
daryl hannah is a real asshole for chowing down on what would have once been her buddy in the ocean (*see the little mermaid). i guess now that she’s a human she forgets her roots.

9. summer rentaljohn candy is fat, therefore he goes on vacation and immediately goes for lobster. but just because he’s fat doesn’t mean he’s getting those lobsters to eat. you have to be rich in this town to eat them. so he throws a fit because he doesn’t get his lobster!

8. multiple maniacshave you ever thought about sexing a giant lobster? how about ever thought about sexing divine? yes they’re both really barf worthy so that’s why they make the perfect couple. they fuck each other.

7. starship troopers
those are basically lobsters, right? they don’t look very delicious at all.

6. girl movies: love actually, julie and julia, how to lose a guy in 10 days
normal white people eating and dressing as lobsters.

5. naked gun 2 1/2
that’s one big horny lobster.

4. annie hall
if you want to know if the person you’re dating is the one, try boiling lobsters together. if you have fun, she’s right for you. if she’s lame about it, you know to get back with diane keaton. lobsters bringing people together, i love it.

3. one crazy summer
nantucket is overrun with lobsters, so they can be the theme of a practical joke you play, or even the target while shooting practice. it’s fun to do bad things (with lobsters).

2. flashdance
because she’s ghetto and not used to fine dining, jennifer beals thinks it’s appropriate to orally fuck her lobster to entice her date. works for me!

1. leonard part 6
it’s not often you get to see bill cosby, lobsters attacking, and magical butter in one place. thank god for leonard part 6.

even robert pattinson enjoys a nice lobster dinner.

• maddy the totally not hot enough nerd (part 7)

everyone says how nerdy maddy is (post makeover in this photo) because of her stupid glasses and not smoking of pot, so in order to get the guy she wants to do, a fellow female suggests she does a little touch up to get his attention. she finds that offensive! maddy is hot, she doesn’t need a touch up! so she goes up and takes off the glasses, mousses up that hair and puts on a delightfully sexy 2 piece jumpsuit. as she finishes her makeover with some red lipstick, she says to her reflection “touch up my ass.” oh ok! sadly, maddy goes to get that man, but rather than going downstairs to find him, she wanders outside and meets her demise.

• rick, the deep man with a deep voice (part 3)

unlike shelly, (who would be most people’s favorite character because they intentionally made him to be pitied and liked by audiences but i’m not falling for it! no, you are not skinny enough to go skinny dipping.) rick is the caring, romantic one. instead of shelly being insensitive by constantly pretending to be murdered after leading lady chris was actually attacked by a crazed killer, rick goes the romantic route by fake raping and strangling his long lost girlfriend. and calling her fat. all in good fun. and then this happens!ouch.

• pretty hot punk rock chick who doesn’t say much (part 5)

amazingly, she might be the only girl in any of the movies with hair this crimped. i wish she got to live!!!! :(

• mark, the very unlucky handicapped stud muffin (part 2)

poor poor mark is minutes away from getting laid and we’re all rooting for him. as he waits for his future romp partner to change into sexier underwear, jason shows us that he doesn’t discriminate against victims and sends mark down the stairs with an axe to the face, remaining in his wheelchair for the whole ride down. he was so hot.

• dead fuck crispin glover (part 4)

it’s hard to not like crispin glover. especially when he’s young and horny and dances like a maniac.

• tina the adorable telekinetic (part 7)

she accidentally killed her daddy but i’m not going to judge her for it, she loves and misses him so much. i’m not even going to judge her for bringing jason back to kill everyone. all she wants is to be normal but she just can’t help the fact that she needs to worry more about killing jason and not getting sent back to the hospital because she’s completely insane than getting romantically involved with her very hot night school attending new friend nick.

• hot jason, no really, he’s kinda hot (part 2)

i ask myself, why am i attracted to jason? then i remember oh it’s because besides this movie, he’s totally gross but yeah, no, in part 2, he’s somewhat studly.
warrington gillette, you’re the best jason ever and i love you.

• horny horny horny ted (part 4)

the poor guy is constantly thinking about sex and trying to get sex. when he doesn’t get any, he discovers old film reels of 1920s porn in the house they’re staying at. so he gets drunk and watches hours of it. but the worst part is, he spent the last couple hours of his life watching old porn.

• the girl who thinks she can buy her way out of death (part 6)

she’s actually one of the most realistic characters in the series, and although we only meet her for under five minutes, she knows that when you see jason standing in the middle of the road, go the other way. that doesn’t work out so well and she makes some mistakes along the way, but she thinks offering jason cash and an american express card will make all her problems go away. sadly, it doesn’t work.

• billy, the male nurse who loves cocaine (part 5)

any male nurse that does drugs and looks like freddie mercury is ok by me.

• teeny weenie tommy jarvis slash corey feldman in his prime (part 4)

i don’t think there are many cuter little boys in movies than him. besides macaulay in home alone, and the kid in jerry maguire or something. but omg he is sooo cute in this in that scene when he sees the naked chick through his window and his body doesn’t know how to react so his mind reacts the way a boner would. oh and then he shows jason who is boss. a little kid is boss.

• the doctor who is more worried about telekinesis than therapy sessions, rightfully so (part 7)

duh. dr. crews (aka terry kiser aka weekend at BERNIE) has discovered his patient has supernatural powers. so when he gets outed for wanting to exploit those powers, he’s suddenly a jerk for it. all he’s doing is changing the world with his discoveries! cut him some slack.

• the super badass biker manner-teaching gang (part 3)

ali, loco, and fox (best gang member names ever) like to just mess with innocent young people for not saying please or for talking back. these are life lessons they must teach! coolest gang ever. seriously. they’re so cool. then they individually enter the barn to die one at a time (in the order above).

10. major league
peeing context: this is what lou brown thinks of a non sit-up contract
amount of pee: enough to show he don’t give a fuck about that contract
see that contract right there? yeah, it’s on the ground so that it can be successfully pissed upon. and the best part is that dorn just watches him do it. and doesn’t say anything! what a pussy.

9. the naked gun: from the files of police squad!
peeing context: leslie takes a relaxing urine sesh with his mic on. funny i guess?
amount of pee: he pees a lot.
oh look, he pees for so long and makes noises while he does it and since his microphone is on, everyone hears the pee!! lolz.

8. the exorcist / the big lebowski
peeing context: peeing on a nice persian rug out of spite/evil
amount of pee: enough to make both rugs rather gross
linda blair thinks she can really show how lame she’s becoming by peeing in front of her mom’s exciting piano party. and then she expects her mom to clean that shit up. and then the chinaman pees to show he means business. because that’s how you show you mean business. i personally love rugs and when i see them get ruined, it totally makes me so :(

7. fight club
peeing context: tyler durden works in a hotel restaurant so that he can piss and shit and fart in the food
amount of pee: maybe not too much because he’s bladder shy
a big batch of unattended soup is just waiting to be peed in, and no one in the kitchen seems to care.

6. robocop
peeing context: the bad guy’s minding his own business, being a bad guy and taking a pee
amount of pee: as soon as the ladycop shows up behind him, he doesn’t have to go anymore!
like i just said right before this, the bad guy is peeing but needs to put his hands up because he’s in trouble. so he puts his hands up, but his dick is still out. he asks to zip it up and ladycop looks down, is enthralled by his big black penis, and he then has the time to kick her ass. this is a good technique for any aspiring bad guy.

5. troll 2
peeing context: in order to get the fam to not eat the goblin food, he must cover it in urine!
amount of pee: apparently enough to get him totally GROUNDED!
grandpa freezes time so that he can figure out a way to get them to not eat this disgusting and unrecognizable food. is the mom eating like a hamburger bun? i think my first thought would be to take the food away and throw it in the trash or something. but instead he decides he must pee. it’s the only way.

4. innerspace
peeing context: martin short’s taking a normal pee, only he has body company so it seems weird
amount of pee: n/a
while martin talks to dennis quaid in his body, it appears on the outside world that he’s totally talking to his dick!!!!! so the older gentleman witnessing this in the bathroom says “play with it kid, don’t talk to it.” HAHHAHAHHAHAH.

3. dead alive
peeing context: british hooligans stalk cemeteries at night to steal wallets and pee on tombstones
amount of pee: dude pees a shit ton of mustard
NEVER pee on a tombstone because the body absolutely hates it and will kill you for sure.

2. rock n roll high school forever
peeing context: drug tests in high school require you to pee
amount of pee: tons and tons of apple juice
those silly punk high school students fuck with the high school DEA by pouring apple juice into cups through their dicks or something, and then they mix up their pee and have to drink and switch and drink until they get their own pee back. it makes the DEA so grossed out. mission accomplished. i think it’s worth watching.

1. doc hollywood
peeing context: they have to pee all over the woods to throw off deer hunters
amount of pee: enough to fill A MINI MONTAGE!
any movie with a peeing in the woods montage is good with me. especially when it has michael j fox, amiright. you can watch this one too.

*honorable mention: peeing yourself in fear is funny too.
ransom / true lies / friday the 13th part 2 / pieces
when facing death by psycho killer or gary sinise or the governor, people tend to pee themselves. it’s a scientific fact! in ransom, the kid doesn’t want to see his kidnapper in his house! so he pees to show mel gibson (topical) how scurred he is. bill paxton is not a spy because a spy wouldn’t have a tiny pathetic penis and pee himself. in f13:2, the final girl is being super ballsy for like 10 minutes, keeping her cool while running and hiding from jason. but it’s when she’s hiding under a bed and a rat comes up to her face that she actually pees herself (bad idea if you’re hiding and your pee is butternut squash soup). how do you pee from a rat and not jason!? and then when the topless tennis player is about to get so dead by chainsaw in pieces, she too pees herself so we know for sure she’s scared. COMEDY!!!!

13. terminator 2
type of box: a box of long stemmed roses
what’s in that box!?: roses and a violent surprise!
roboty arnold knows that people just loveeee roses, so if you see a box of roses, you’d never suspect him to start shooting at you with it, amiright?

12. uhf
type of box: an EMPTY box
what’s in that box!?: ABSOLUTELY NAWWSING
everyone’s like choose the box! choose the box! and so the guest on the game show chooses the mystery box and it’s empty! he sooo stoopid!!!!!

11. don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead
type of box: a big cool 90s trunk
what’s in that box!?: dead mrs. sturak wrapped in a california raisins sheet AND all the summer money! WHOOPS.
mrs. sturak is a petite lady, but i’ve always wondered how they had to bend and break her to fit her into that trunk. ewww!!! those morgue dudes are super stoked to find such a pleasant version of mrs. sturak with a very generous gift of however much money it is to take care of four kids for an entire summer (even one with a pot smoking habit!) lotta money.

10. national lampoon’s christmas vacation
type of box: a gift box
what’s in that box!?: a pussy cat!
this movie inspired hundreds that when in doubt and out of gift ideas for the holidays, just wrap something stupid up in your house like your cat. it’ll be a hit.

9. loverboy
type of box: pizza box
what’s in that box!?: extra anchovies and an invisible guaranteed sex romp with patrick dempsey
it doesn’t really seem like they ever actually eat the pizzas he delivers, and i can’t remember if they ever even had pizza in the box!? but that box comes with promises and they’re good promises too. penis!

8. drop dead fred
type of box: a jack in the box
what’s in that box!?: a kooky invisible englishman
phoebe cates mom knows that the easiest way to get rid of fred is to get him back in that jack in the box and tape that shit up real good and tight. but watch out for when you untape that box, shit’s going down fo sho!

*see also: april fool’s day
a way less fun surprise in that jack in the box than adorable fred

7. child’s play 3
type of box: a toy box
what’s in that box!?: murderers soul turned killer doll, the third limited edition
they just keep makin that killer toy for some reason, it’s weird that after it happened twice, the toy company wouldn’t be like sued? or like stop manufacturing the chucky doll? anyway, i would not be happy to see chucky in the box sitting there looking at me and i think i’d throw him in the back of the dump truck like that garbage dude tried to do.

6. my bloody valentine
type of box: a heart shaped box of chocolates
what’s in that box!?: oh just some chocolates and A HUMAN HEART!
ew, those chocolates probably taste like blood now too.

5. a christmas story
type of box: a big ass fragile wood box
what’s in that box!?: the leg lamp
the biggest life size crate ever holding a lamp a quarter of the size of it. but it’s frajeeelay so it’s gotta be pretty big i suppose.

4. se7en
type of box: a generic cardboard box
what’s in that box!?: the attractive part of gwyneth paltrow, because she doesn’t actually look like she does on the poster of shallow hal, you guys.
what’s in the box!? what do you think is in that box!? what’s the first thing you’d put in a box if you were like crazy and killed people and had an empty box to put something in. a head. duh.

3. hellraiser
type of box: a magical antique puzzlebox
what’s in that box!?: murder and cenobites
no one goes to morocco and buys a fucked up evil toy, why would you do that?!! that’s like just asking to get dead.

2. raiders of the lost ark
type of box: the ark of the covenant
what’s in that box!?: shit that melts off nazi face
everyone’s after this sweet ornate box of magic and little do they know it will MELT YOUR FACE! why would you want that?
harsh way to go, bro.

1. con air
type of box: a cardboard box full of goodies
what’s in that box!?: the bunny belongs in that box
the best box of all the movie boxes in the world is the one that the bunny is supposed to go back in. if that bunny doesn’t go back in the box, nic cage will fucking murder you.

homeroom with mr. shoop
summer school
watch some texas chainsaw massacre with dean cameron and scope out mr. shoop’s stems in those short shorts? that’s a good way to start the morning.

first period: english
hackers
you write a poem you like on the chalkboard. that’s learning! if matthew lillard isn’t actually in the class, but wants to be, then so do i. it must be a fun class.

second period: american history
fast times at ridgemont high
a nice little morning snack of pizza for the class? yes.

third period: music class
sister act 2: back in the habit
if you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere, you gotta wake up and pay attention. imagine singing this over and over with whoopi and the fun 90s music gang. that’s one fun music class!

fourth period: physics
nightmare on elm street 4: the dream master
yeah, physics tests suck, but during this one, you get to see the overachiever get the life sucked out of her mouth while getting her face sucked by freddy. that seems entertaining enough. plus she dies!

lunch!
just one of the guys
everyday is a new day for william zabka to bully people around. because the cafeteria is the perfect place to fuck with people. thank god i’d be williams girlfriend and i wouldn’t have to worry about being harassed like all those nerds.

fifth period: speech
airborne
a very important class, here we will stand up in front of the class and talk about ourselves! everyday. not to mention, a (real?) daydream about mitchell in his sexy boxer shorts is real? because all the girls seem to see it, so i guess he really is sitting in class in his boxers. cue the beach boys.

sixth period: art class
ghost world
you can make whatever the fuck art you want and it’ll be fine. you can even bring in found art and that works too.

seventh period: spanish
encino man
this spanish class proves to be very beneficial. what two things should everyone know how to say in spanish? yes. el queso está viejo y pútrido. y donde está el sanitarios? that’s all you need to learn. repeat it over and over and over.

eighth period: home economics
superbad
making tiramisu seems fun, especially with a fun and adorable little asian cooking partner.

ninth period: math
rushmore
whoa, they get to drink tea in math class. yes, i’m on board for afternoon tea sesh.

tenth period: gym
cutting class
i would happily climb ropes and listen to that dipshit gym teacher if i got to be in gym class with brad pitt and donovan leitsch. especially when it’s ok to go murder your gym teacher after class.

detention. duh.
class act
no, just because i chose the black class for detention doesn’t mean it’s racist!

and that’s what i call curriculum! what a blast we had, amiright.

football? what’s a football?

10. class act
duncan pinderhughes stumbles into the stupid people gym class (there’s more to the plot than that), where part of the curriculum for the day is every student must kick a football. and he can kick that ball as hard as happy gilmore can golf. so he’s gonna be the coach’s star player, but that never really pans out and his football career begins and ends in this scene. i guess the point of this scene was to get just some football into the mix.

9. the sure thing
john cusack does what any horny guy does. try to impress chicks by doing things, like catching a football. they’re impressed, but it doesn’t get him laid. but look how cool he looks with that ball!

8. fast times at ridgemont high
forest whitaker is ready to shit and kill lincoln because yknow the story, his car was totaled, so anyway him being a big scary dude, and having his car messed with, he takes out all that aggression on the field and shits and kills them all.

7. point break
when it gets dark and surfers can’t surf anymore for the day, they toss balls at each other and get into a game of exciting night ball. add 20 parked cars with their headlights shining for spotlight and none of them running out of battery and kind stranger johnny utah and you have the perfect night football game. just remove lori petty.

6. the brady bunch movie
marcia gets hit by a football while innocently checking on her football loving and playing brothers. they hit her beautiful nose right in the face. JUST LIKE IN THE TV SHOW. and then she has a gross bruised flat nose. and becomes much less fuckable.

5. three kings
like all dudes, when dudes are bored, they shoot and blow and throw things. so while the soldiers are bored in the desert, they strap bombs to nerf footballs and shoot them in the air and stuff. football!

4. ladybugs
jonathon brandeis :( sees his dream girl when he runs for a flying football outside of school. in lots of kid movies, a kid will be outside, and someone tosses them a ball and then they have to catch it and they fall. it’s great.

3. starship troopers
dis some crazy future world football. it’s played on what looks like a basketball court. ow, that must hurt to get knocked down. luckily, when they get knocked down most of the time it makes them like fly or something. what a fun game.

2. flash gordon
flash must fight all those dudes, but being the big dumb football player he is, he can’t unless he’s holding a football. now he’s got it! all he has to do is knock down the bad guys and pretend he’s playing football! YAY!

1. the room
#1 goes to the movie with the most random football scenes. this is not a football movie. but there are like 4 football scenes, most involving some sort of football injury. if you don’t know, now you know.

*honorable mention: sorority boys
how many football scenes involve wet hot girls with huge boobs? i couldn’t think of any besides this gem. did i mention they’re like pretty good at football too?

*honorable mention #2: the faculty
they don’t really play football because they’ve turned into the weird maggot monsters, but we know they’d like to play. they’re just too monstery and gross now.

10. flubber
movie: flubber
crazy green slime that wreaks havoc? who wouldn’t want to play with that?

9. glasses that don’t fall off your face
movie: the jerk
wow, this invention is about as rad as the windshield wiping glasses screech (and myself, prior to the episode for the science fair in 2nd grade) invented. can you imagine wearing huge glasses that are always slipping down your nose, even when your nose is the size of steve martins? it would suck. therefore, this invention is revolutionary and stuff.

8. a hologram jazz musician to play at parties
movie: vanilla sky
it provides exciting live entertainment that you don’t have to pay for. and it doesn’t require drinks.

7. the amazing complete breakfast making machine
movie: pee-wee’s big adventure
doc brown attempted a contraption like this, and it didn’t really work until the third movie, but pee wee gets that shit right with perfectly cooked eggs, toast, waffles, the works. and all he has to do is light a candle.

6. the shrinking machine
movie: honey, i shrunk the kids
rick moranis, dipshit inventor, shrinks shit like his kids. but imagine being able to make your house items into a dollhouse. or shrinking your shit so you can travel easily with it. no more tsa bullshit.

5. the hoverboard & the food hydrator
movie: back to the future 2
for recreational use, the hoverboard would be amazing because people who can’t skate well would probably be pretty good at it on a hoverboard. or maybe not with the whole balancing issue. for practical use, the food hydrator is just rad. it’s like the brown n crisp but awesome and working.

4. the memory erasing thingy
movie: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (and men in black kinda too, huh)
we all want to get rid of those painful memories of a breakup and stuff. imagine if this was a product from your home and you could erase the hazy uncomfortable memory of a drunken mistake ridden night too, from the comfort of your own bed.

3. the orgazmorator
movie: orgazm0 (and sleeper too)
the gun that shoots people into have orgasms. duh. i’d also take this with me to disneyland and shoot families with it and just laugh forever.

2. wonka vision
movie: willy wonka and the chocolate factory
we’ve all seen commercials for a cheeseburger and been like man i want that cheeseburger in my mouth this instant! with wonkavision, it really could be in your mouth in an instant. cmon.

1. sweet ass potions
movie: love potion number 9 and death becomes her
anti-aging potion would be pretty awesome, and i’d like some. but more so, love potion would mean your life would consist of everyone ever being in love with you. whether it’s genuine or not, you wouldn’t have to pay for anything again in your life. ever. and you could marry marlon wayans if you wanted to.

20. rocky
egg style: raw. ok, this one isn’t so appetizing.
tsssk. that’s not how you enjoy eggs, rocky. you should cook those.

19. who framed roger rabbit?
egg style: hard-boiled
the best way to fuck with a dude that fucked with you is to take his pleasant little egg snack and shove it in his mouth! the thing i wonder is why is his face is so scared of his harmless little delicious egg.

18. encino man
egg style: raw, but he only eats the shells! ha!!!!
the thing i like about links eating of the egg shells is that all those delicious egg insides are sitting in a glass, waiting to be cooked and deliciousified.

17. my cousin vinny
egg style: they look to me like over-medium
the grits are spotlighted more than the eggs in this scene, but mmm look at those country diner eggs.

16. deerhunter
egg style: scrambled
after a funeral, dude cooks eggs and cries. those are sad eggs. but i enjoy eggs in any mood!

15. angelheart
egg style: hard-boiled
“some religions think that the egg is the symbol of the soul.” damn right. robert deniro is the egg loving devil who rolls and peels his eggs with his weird long nails. yum!

14. last action hero
egg style: scrambled
like every good mom, kid’s mom makes kid and their special guest eggs for breakfast.

13. earth girls are easy
egg style: most likely scrambled?
the aliens stick the eggs in their mouths, unaware of what they are but subconsciously enticed by them. then geena pops them out and cracks them in her hands. interesting way to make eggs, girl.

12. almost heroes
egg style: i believe them to be fried
chris farley wants to eat eggs! he’s always stealing eagle eggs to cure his friend chandler, but he can’t resist eating them because he’s so hungry and eggs are so tasty. turns out all they needed was the shell. TYPICAL!

11. pee-wee’s big adventure
egg style: sunny side up, yolks only
pee-wee makes a bold and unwise decision in not eating his eggs, but rather covering them in mr t. cereal. but at least they’re there and perfectly cooked.

10. backdraft
egg style: cooked with shells and jelly
the dumb son of kurt russell has a great formula to making eggs. he knows what he’s doing. not! he cooks them with shells and jelly. he sucks.

9. fargo
egg style: we might never know, but we know they’re made with love
marge’s husband (i like to think of him as the guy who melts in volcano) is eager to make his wife eggs. after she takes some bites, she bolts, and he finishes those eggs for her. that was his intention all along i’m sure.

8. julie and julia
egg style: poached
julie has never eaten an egg in her life. so she follows julia’s recipe and poaches them. and says they taste like cheese sauce. that’s odd, but hey, i love poached eggs.

7. swingers
egg style: sunny side up
the eggs are ordered, but passed to the table next to them. vince vaughn claims he’s not even hungry as he gives them away. not hungry for eggs?! they look great.

6. john and mary
egg style: soft boiled
the best way to get to know each other is over a meal of eggs, so after dustin hoffman and mia farrow do it one drunken night, they talk and stuff while delicately eating eggs. double egg eating shot. rad.

5. v for vendetta
egg style: egg in the hole
salami hands mask wearing V or whatever makes this wonderful meal and it looks marvelous!

4. moonstruck
egg style: an even more appetizing egg in the hole
olympia dukakis won the oscar for best supporting actress for her role in this movie, because of these delicious eggs she makes i’m sure.

3. big night
egg style: plain omelet
the best way to end any movie? probably with a good egg scene. and that’s what this movie did. after a long and frustrating night, their cure for the blues are a nice plate of eggs. and stanley tucci totally cooks those eggs for realz because it’s one take.

2. cool hand luke
egg style: hard boiled
paul newman can eat 50 eggs. and he doesn’t die, leading me to believe that eggs can do no wrong.

1. defending your life
egg style: a cheese omelet
made in four seconds, this omelet is probably the best looking use of eggs i’ve ever seen in a movie. c’mon does that not look like a denny’s product shot?!

*honorable mention: ghostbusters
egg style: sunny side up
because these eggs are sadly not consumed, it is awarded only an honorable mention. i don’t want to know how many eggs they wasted to get this shot.

• sorry to the runner ups alien, back to the future 3, airplane, and the savages. you guys were cool too.