why liar, liar kind of blows even though i’ve watched it 20 times.

1. the son, max. i hate kids in movies a lot of times. especially the boys with the terrible haircuts, but i think this son might be the worst son ever. ALL he does is scream and pout. every time he gets excited he goes OMG OMG YAY DADDY BASEBALL YAY and then he’s like WA MY DADDY DOESN’T LOVE ME BASEBALL, etc.
2. why does the little bitch wish for what he wishes for? i wish for just one day, dad couldn’t tell a lie. A) why for one day? why for just one day? what child thinks this way? and B) why not wish for like your dad to be around more, or for your parents to get back together like you do a year later?

3. it’s not really lying if you walk by a fat guy and don’t tell him he’s fat. or is it lying? does that mean that everyone that knows a fat person and doesnt constantly call them fat is a liar? guess so. and speaking of which

4. a lot of the “truths” he tells people arent at all “truths”, they’re just having a big mouth and so i guess the son wished for his dad to not not lie but to say everything ever that comes to his mind like if he walks by a fat colleague, he better tell that fat colleague he’s fucking fat. because that’s being honest.

5. i don’t know about you, but this movie is nostalgic and that’s why i watch it, but if you look at it objectively, jim carrey acts pretty douchey, so douchey in fact, that i doubt acting this way could get him laid, let alone married. he acts this way in other movies yes, but in other movies he doesn’t play a lawyer. lawyers can’t be this silly!

6. the son is in the whole movie

7. if you get mad at your ex husband, it’s fine to spitefully move across the country and take your kid? he’s a silly lawyer i thought. why couldn’t he do something about this legal battle for the wretched child who loves baseball?
8. this is maura tierney’s face the whole movie. you’re hotter than this. stop scrunching.

9. this isn’t really a con, but i find it strange that when her boyfriend asks what the big problem is about moving to boston she says well, jim carrey does the claw, you see? that’s a weird response.

10. why does she say to him “do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night? he was making a wish that blah blah”… this would not be what was said. i seriously doubt she looked at the clock at the exact second butthead blew out his candles and remembered to tell her ex all about it.

11. when jim carrey comes to his school to ask him to re-wish his birthday wish, he says that it didn’t come true the second time around because he didn’t really want it this time. how the hell do you know all the rules of birthday wishes? you’re 5.

12. if this were real life, jim carrey would definitely do jennifer tilly. so unrealistic.
13. $900 isn’t even that expensive of a suit.

14. why does that mechanic guy say “you’ve been here before”? i hate that.

15. BASEBALL STUFF!
16. if jennifer tilly was under 18 when she married the guy, meaning the prenup is void, wouldn’t the marriage be void as well? instead of even considering that fact, the judge is like, oh damn you right, ok you win, give her $40 million dollars before i even take a look at the documents! that’s good judging.
17. max.
18. that whole airplane sequence scene at the end is so stupid.

by the way, i was curious how max grew up and was shocked to see what he turned out to look like!

10. johnny, the mentally challenged tag-along of the raping rednecks
movie: i spit on your grave
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
johnny just wants to fit in with his fellow hicks, so when they all want to rape jennifer, what’s he gonna do?! i’m pretty sure that he lost his virginity that day when he too stuck it in. but he really didn’t seem to know any better! that doesn’t matter to jennifer. she makes him dead for it.

9. tone loc, BAMF
movie: blank check
crimes committed: stole a million dollars, harasses a kid and kidnaps another.
i do not condone stalking a child and trying to hit him with a car or anything like that, but how can you hate on tone loc?! he’s quite the palsy-walsy kidnapper, i must say.

8. steve zissou
movie: life aquatic
crimes committed: a whole bunch of theft
steve zissou can do no wrong.

7. gary oldman with 1/2 of crispin glover’s hair in charlies angels
movie: the fifth element
crimes committed: he’s just a straight up bad guy
he tries to destroy the planet and kills lots of aliens and blah blah, he’s a bad guy. but i would still totally be his homie.

6. earl mott, bleached blond bill pullman
movie: ruthless people
crimes committed: robbing robbers.
bill pullman, also known as pill bullman, is blonde and plays a blonde. because he’s a dumb blonde! but dumb blondes can still commit crimes just the same.

5. hoodrat chris lloyd
movie: dennis the menace
crimes committed: all sorts of street crimes
he’s smelly and gross and steals and kidnaps dennis but he could definitely kill him and he doesn’t, so there’s something to be said for his patience, amiright?

4. bobby peru, big time babe
movie: wild at heart
crimes committed: murder, attempted rape, robbery
if you looked like this, you’d steal and rape too.

3. alan arkin as elton john
movie: wait until dark
crimes committed: breaking and entering, robbery and stuff.
when you’re suave and wear shades inside, you can pretty much do whatever crimes. if you’re cool about it. how many people could attack audrey hepburn and still be likable?

2. gonorrhea-riden sam rockwell, aka wild bill
movie: the green mile
crimes committed: multiple murders during a robbery
because he’s sam rockwell, and he’s silly and loud, he’s hard not to want to room next to in the slammer. he’s there purely for comedic purposes and to show us how diverse of an actor he can be.

1. simon phoenix. as if there was anyone cooler.
movie: demolition man
crimes committed: he’s a plain old villian.
he looks cool. he acts cool. he de-eyeballs dudes. best of all, he has his own tagline.

*honorable mention: carl wayne bishop, the guy who is on trial for something.
movie: jury duty
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
so i guess in the end, he’s innocent, we would have known this much sooner had pauly shore not been such a selfish dick and stanley tucci could have gotten the blame he deserved. poor sean whalen. first he loses the radio contest due to lack of milk and then this. oh and that time he got the flaming arrow shot at him on lost.

*honorable mention #2: the guy who lost his limbs but got them back
movie: body parts
crimes committed: getting his limbs back from people who had them attached, plus some killing prior.
the dude kills a bunch of people and loses his body parts because when a person gets executed, their limbs are totally up for grabs. but dude’s NOT cool with that, so he gets them all back. the reason i love him is because of his devotion to his limbs or something. he’s just rad.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CHARACTER, ANDREW, IN PIRANHA 3D?

In a debate that surely will live on for years like the infamous discussion of whether or not the top fell or keeps spinning at the end of Inception. This surely will keep film scholars up at night for many years.

So I’ll try to set the record straight….

ANDREW CUNNINGHAM, the Wild, Wild Girls camera man/boat driver/and all around bon vivant is present aboard the Wild Wild Girls yacht for pretty much the entirety of the film and then suddenly disappears. No death scene, no remorse, just gone erased from existence.

Most people assume, that my death, which was sure to be epic, was cut from the film in a choice purely dictated by budget, time and believability.

Other people surmise that THEY might have been too high at the time of viewing…and simply missed the death scene.

i too was wondering, but it sounds like “sometimes a movie runs out of budget in the post process and leaves major unfinished scenes on cutting room floor” was the reason. i thought i was too high. sorry if you hadn’t seen it and you now know that paul scheer doesn’t die. did i mention he saw it in the same theatre as me, so i already knew he didn’t die. via