10. johnny, the mentally challenged tag-along of the raping rednecks
movie: i spit on your grave
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
johnny just wants to fit in with his fellow hicks, so when they all want to rape jennifer, what’s he gonna do?! i’m pretty sure that he lost his virginity that day when he too stuck it in. but he really didn’t seem to know any better! that doesn’t matter to jennifer. she makes him dead for it.

9. tone loc, BAMF
movie: blank check
crimes committed: stole a million dollars, harasses a kid and kidnaps another.
i do not condone stalking a child and trying to hit him with a car or anything like that, but how can you hate on tone loc?! he’s quite the palsy-walsy kidnapper, i must say.

8. steve zissou
movie: life aquatic
crimes committed: a whole bunch of theft
steve zissou can do no wrong.

7. gary oldman with 1/2 of crispin glover’s hair in charlies angels
movie: the fifth element
crimes committed: he’s just a straight up bad guy
he tries to destroy the planet and kills lots of aliens and blah blah, he’s a bad guy. but i would still totally be his homie.

6. earl mott, bleached blond bill pullman
movie: ruthless people
crimes committed: robbing robbers.
bill pullman, also known as pill bullman, is blonde and plays a blonde. because he’s a dumb blonde! but dumb blondes can still commit crimes just the same.

5. hoodrat chris lloyd
movie: dennis the menace
crimes committed: all sorts of street crimes
he’s smelly and gross and steals and kidnaps dennis but he could definitely kill him and he doesn’t, so there’s something to be said for his patience, amiright?

4. bobby peru, big time babe
movie: wild at heart
crimes committed: murder, attempted rape, robbery
if you looked like this, you’d steal and rape too.

3. alan arkin as elton john
movie: wait until dark
crimes committed: breaking and entering, robbery and stuff.
when you’re suave and wear shades inside, you can pretty much do whatever crimes. if you’re cool about it. how many people could attack audrey hepburn and still be likable?

2. gonorrhea-riden sam rockwell, aka wild bill
movie: the green mile
crimes committed: multiple murders during a robbery
because he’s sam rockwell, and he’s silly and loud, he’s hard not to want to room next to in the slammer. he’s there purely for comedic purposes and to show us how diverse of an actor he can be.

1. simon phoenix. as if there was anyone cooler.
movie: demolition man
crimes committed: he’s a plain old villian.
he looks cool. he acts cool. he de-eyeballs dudes. best of all, he has his own tagline.

*honorable mention: carl wayne bishop, the guy who is on trial for something.
movie: jury duty
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
so i guess in the end, he’s innocent, we would have known this much sooner had pauly shore not been such a selfish dick and stanley tucci could have gotten the blame he deserved. poor sean whalen. first he loses the radio contest due to lack of milk and then this. oh and that time he got the flaming arrow shot at him on lost.

*honorable mention #2: the guy who lost his limbs but got them back
movie: body parts
crimes committed: getting his limbs back from people who had them attached, plus some killing prior.
the dude kills a bunch of people and loses his body parts because when a person gets executed, their limbs are totally up for grabs. but dude’s NOT cool with that, so he gets them all back. the reason i love him is because of his devotion to his limbs or something. he’s just rad.