have you ever wondered what happened to claudia wells? yknow, martys girlfriend from ONLY the first back to the future movie? well i always personally thought she was replaced by elizabeth shue because she wasn’t as famous, but no, she had to drop out because of a family illness.

10. the sixth sense
ghost: mischa barton
likability: i wouldnt want to costar with her, ill say that much
mischa barton plays a little kid ghost that wants to hang with the main kid. but all she does is cry and moan and complain i think about how her mom poisoned her dead or something? no one wants to listen to her bullshit. oh and she pukes. gross!

9. the frighteners
ghost: michael j fox
likability: um yeah tons, hes michael j fox.
he freezes himself to become a ghost temporarily so he can go and fight the grim reaper or whatevs. doesnt matter. michael j fox is awesome ghost or not. sorry chi mcbride. michael j fox beats you this time. and every time.

8. indiana jones: raiders of the lost ark
ghost: a bunch of ghost head things that came out of the ark
likability: some, but they melt faces and stuff.
they start out as hot chicks so youre like oh, yeah those are some good ghosts but then they turn into scary heads like this and turn all those dudes into skeletons and melt their faces. not very friendly ghosts in that ark i tell you. theyre like some of those hoodlums my fists dealt with back in my days as a bouncer at the double deuce.

7. casper
ghost: casper duh
likability: well hes pretty cute.
casper died when he was a young devon sawa and is harassed by his evil ghost uncles and stuff. but he loves to love and he loves trying to make out. his target is christina ricci who hes constantly trying to woo but he doesnt even have a tongue so i doubt hes gonna get much until he turns back into sexy as devon sawa. take it from me, patrick swayze.

6. the shining
ghost: old lady who turns from hot to not
likability: she nasty.
ew. no one wants you, old lady ghost. so go away. she tricked jack into thinking she was hot and then turns into this. just like johnny utah pretended to be down, but nope. he wasnt down the way i thought. but id rather fuck keanu than this lady. amiright? AMIRIGHT!? miss you, keanu.

5. scrooged
ghost: bill murrays old parter, lew
likability: hes pretty rad, but hes scary
hes pissed off and he wants a drink, but he cant drink because of all his bullet wounds and stuff. the booze goes right through him. he seems intimidating and violent when he hangs bill murray out of the window but he doesnt drop him because his job is not to kill him. so he obviously follows directions. not like me when i was a dance instructor at kellermans. they wanted me to do the flamenco but i did my own dance, the way i wanted to do it. and i rocked it.

4. thir13n ghosts
ghost: token naked chick
likability: well she’s definitely hotter than 12 other ghosts
i think they refer to her as the “angry princess”. i dont know why being naked with huge fake titties makes her a princess but ok ill deal with that. she sits in a bathtub being naked and stuff. so yeah, shes a pretty rad ghost because most of the ghosts i know would find a robe.

3. ghostbusters
ghost: slimer
likability: tons. hes so silly!
slimers just there to have fun. he loves messing with the ghostbusters and driving buses. he also apparently loves filling his mouth with piles of shit. but i really dont think slimer would hurt a fly. hes a sweet ghost. hey remember when i was in too wong foo, thanks for everything julie newmar? that was fun.

2. pee-wee’s big adventure
ghost: large marge
likability: fuck. none. shes fucking creepy.fuckin large marge gave me nightmares for years! she seems like the sweetest old lady truck driver who talks really creepy and stuff but then! she makes that face! ahh. no i will not tell ANYONE that large marge sent me. definitely not. sorry.

1. ghost
ghost: ME! double entendre!
likability: pssh. duh.yeah other ghosts are nice and all, but im pretty sure i win at being a ghost. what other ghost can do pottery? and fight off bad guys who want to fuck my wife? and hang with whoopie goldberg. none. i win. and now im showing my real ability at being a ghost, up here in heaven. :(

*honorable mention: how high
ghost: the dude with the unibrow or something
likability: hes caring, patient, and loyalthis guy dies because he falls asleep with a joint, but he comes back to be there for his friend. and then his ashes are made into pot, and the pot makes redman and method man smart. you may be wondering why i made this the honorable mention. ill tell you why. because its my favorite of all of these ghost movies. besides ghost. good reason.

10. johnny, the mentally challenged tag-along of the raping rednecks
movie: i spit on your grave
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
johnny just wants to fit in with his fellow hicks, so when they all want to rape jennifer, what’s he gonna do?! i’m pretty sure that he lost his virginity that day when he too stuck it in. but he really didn’t seem to know any better! that doesn’t matter to jennifer. she makes him dead for it.

9. tone loc, BAMF
movie: blank check
crimes committed: stole a million dollars, harasses a kid and kidnaps another.
i do not condone stalking a child and trying to hit him with a car or anything like that, but how can you hate on tone loc?! he’s quite the palsy-walsy kidnapper, i must say.

8. steve zissou
movie: life aquatic
crimes committed: a whole bunch of theft
steve zissou can do no wrong.

7. gary oldman with 1/2 of crispin glover’s hair in charlies angels
movie: the fifth element
crimes committed: he’s just a straight up bad guy
he tries to destroy the planet and kills lots of aliens and blah blah, he’s a bad guy. but i would still totally be his homie.

6. earl mott, bleached blond bill pullman
movie: ruthless people
crimes committed: robbing robbers.
bill pullman, also known as pill bullman, is blonde and plays a blonde. because he’s a dumb blonde! but dumb blondes can still commit crimes just the same.

5. hoodrat chris lloyd
movie: dennis the menace
crimes committed: all sorts of street crimes
he’s smelly and gross and steals and kidnaps dennis but he could definitely kill him and he doesn’t, so there’s something to be said for his patience, amiright?

4. bobby peru, big time babe
movie: wild at heart
crimes committed: murder, attempted rape, robbery
if you looked like this, you’d steal and rape too.

3. alan arkin as elton john
movie: wait until dark
crimes committed: breaking and entering, robbery and stuff.
when you’re suave and wear shades inside, you can pretty much do whatever crimes. if you’re cool about it. how many people could attack audrey hepburn and still be likable?

2. gonorrhea-riden sam rockwell, aka wild bill
movie: the green mile
crimes committed: multiple murders during a robbery
because he’s sam rockwell, and he’s silly and loud, he’s hard not to want to room next to in the slammer. he’s there purely for comedic purposes and to show us how diverse of an actor he can be.

1. simon phoenix. as if there was anyone cooler.
movie: demolition man
crimes committed: he’s a plain old villian.
he looks cool. he acts cool. he de-eyeballs dudes. best of all, he has his own tagline.

*honorable mention: carl wayne bishop, the guy who is on trial for something.
movie: jury duty
crimes committed: some good old fashioned peer-pressured rape
so i guess in the end, he’s innocent, we would have known this much sooner had pauly shore not been such a selfish dick and stanley tucci could have gotten the blame he deserved. poor sean whalen. first he loses the radio contest due to lack of milk and then this. oh and that time he got the flaming arrow shot at him on lost.

*honorable mention #2: the guy who lost his limbs but got them back
movie: body parts
crimes committed: getting his limbs back from people who had them attached, plus some killing prior.
the dude kills a bunch of people and loses his body parts because when a person gets executed, their limbs are totally up for grabs. but dude’s NOT cool with that, so he gets them all back. the reason i love him is because of his devotion to his limbs or something. he’s just rad.

perhaps too stoked about this. via