friday the 13th is the best of all horror franchises simply because of the amazing character development imo. ok well they try a bit it seems, and an f13 film does not go by without me loving at least a couple of the characters. narrowing down my favorites was certainly tough!

• maddy the totally not hot enough nerd (part 7)

everyone says how nerdy maddy is (post makeover in this photo) because of her stupid glasses and not smoking of pot, so in order to get the guy she wants to do, a fellow female suggests she does a little touch up to get his attention. she finds that offensive! maddy is hot, she doesn’t need a touch up! so she goes up and takes off the glasses, mousses up that hair and puts on a delightfully sexy 2 piece jumpsuit. as she finishes her makeover with some red lipstick, she says to her reflection “touch up my ass.” oh ok! sadly, maddy goes to get that man, but rather than going downstairs to find him, she wanders outside and meets her demise.

• rick, the deep man with a deep voice (part 3)

unlike shelly, (who would be most people’s favorite character because they intentionally made him to be pitied and liked by audiences but i’m not falling for it! no, you are not skinny enough to go skinny dipping.) rick is the caring, romantic one. instead of shelly being insensitive by constantly pretending to be murdered after leading lady chris was actually attacked by a crazed killer, rick goes the romantic route by fake raping and strangling his long lost girlfriend. and calling her fat. all in good fun. and then this happens!ouch.

• pretty hot punk rock chick who doesn’t say much (part 5)

amazingly, she might be the only girl in any of the movies with hair this crimped. i wish she got to live!!!! :(

• mark, the very unlucky handicapped stud muffin (part 2)

poor poor mark is minutes away from getting laid and we’re all rooting for him. as he waits for his future romp partner to change into sexier underwear, jason shows us that he doesn’t discriminate against victims and sends mark down the stairs with an axe to the face, remaining in his wheelchair for the whole ride down. he was so hot.

• dead fuck crispin glover (part 4)

it’s hard to not like crispin glover. especially when he’s young and horny and dances like a maniac.

• tina the adorable telekinetic (part 7)

she accidentally killed her daddy but i’m not going to judge her for it, she loves and misses him so much. i’m not even going to judge her for bringing jason back to kill everyone. all she wants is to be normal but she just can’t help the fact that she needs to worry more about killing jason and not getting sent back to the hospital because she’s completely insane than getting romantically involved with her very hot night school attending new friend nick.

• hot jason, no really, he’s kinda hot (part 2)

i ask myself, why am i attracted to jason? then i remember oh it’s because besides this movie, he’s totally gross but yeah, no, in part 2, he’s somewhat studly.
warrington gillette, you’re the best jason ever and i love you.

• horny horny horny ted (part 4)

the poor guy is constantly thinking about sex and trying to get sex. when he doesn’t get any, he discovers old film reels of 1920s porn in the house they’re staying at. so he gets drunk and watches hours of it. but the worst part is, he spent the last couple hours of his life watching old porn.

• the girl who thinks she can buy her way out of death (part 6)

she’s actually one of the most realistic characters in the series, and although we only meet her for under five minutes, she knows that when you see jason standing in the middle of the road, go the other way. that doesn’t work out so well and she makes some mistakes along the way, but she thinks offering jason cash and an american express card will make all her problems go away. sadly, it doesn’t work.

• billy, the male nurse who loves cocaine (part 5)

any male nurse that does drugs and looks like freddie mercury is ok by me.

• teeny weenie tommy jarvis slash corey feldman in his prime (part 4)

i don’t think there are many cuter little boys in movies than him. besides macaulay in home alone, and the kid in jerry maguire or something. but omg he is sooo cute in this in that scene when he sees the naked chick through his window and his body doesn’t know how to react so his mind reacts the way a boner would. oh and then he shows jason who is boss. a little kid is boss.

• the doctor who is more worried about telekinesis than therapy sessions, rightfully so (part 7)

duh. dr. crews (aka terry kiser aka weekend at BERNIE) has discovered his patient has supernatural powers. so when he gets outed for wanting to exploit those powers, he’s suddenly a jerk for it. all he’s doing is changing the world with his discoveries! cut him some slack.

• the super badass biker manner-teaching gang (part 3)

ali, loco, and fox (best gang member names ever) like to just mess with innocent young people for not saying please or for talking back. these are life lessons they must teach! coolest gang ever. seriously. they’re so cool. then they individually enter the barn to die one at a time (in the order above).