yknow when you receive a big box in the mail and you’re all stoked and then you open it and it’s something lame like a towel or something? well these boxes meet your fun and hopeful expectations of being totally awesome inside and out.

13. terminator 2
type of box: a box of long stemmed roses
what’s in that box!?: roses and a violent surprise!
roboty arnold knows that people just loveeee roses, so if you see a box of roses, you’d never suspect him to start shooting at you with it, amiright?

12. uhf
type of box: an EMPTY box
what’s in that box!?: ABSOLUTELY NAWWSING
everyone’s like choose the box! choose the box! and so the guest on the game show chooses the mystery box and it’s empty! he sooo stoopid!!!!!

11. don’t tell mom the babysitter’s dead
type of box: a big cool 90s trunk
what’s in that box!?: dead mrs. sturak wrapped in a california raisins sheet AND all the summer money! WHOOPS.
mrs. sturak is a petite lady, but i’ve always wondered how they had to bend and break her to fit her into that trunk. ewww!!! those morgue dudes are super stoked to find such a pleasant version of mrs. sturak with a very generous gift of however much money it is to take care of four kids for an entire summer (even one with a pot smoking habit!) lotta money.

10. national lampoon’s christmas vacation
type of box: a gift box
what’s in that box!?: a pussy cat!
this movie inspired hundreds that when in doubt and out of gift ideas for the holidays, just wrap something stupid up in your house like your cat. it’ll be a hit.

9. loverboy
type of box: pizza box
what’s in that box!?: extra anchovies and an invisible guaranteed sex romp with patrick dempsey
it doesn’t really seem like they ever actually eat the pizzas he delivers, and i can’t remember if they ever even had pizza in the box!? but that box comes with promises and they’re good promises too. penis!

8. drop dead fred
type of box: a jack in the box
what’s in that box!?: a kooky invisible englishman
phoebe cates mom knows that the easiest way to get rid of fred is to get him back in that jack in the box and tape that shit up real good and tight. but watch out for when you untape that box, shit’s going down fo sho!

*see also: april fool’s day
a way less fun surprise in that jack in the box than adorable fred

7. child’s play 3
type of box: a toy box
what’s in that box!?: murderers soul turned killer doll, the third limited edition
they just keep makin that killer toy for some reason, it’s weird that after it happened twice, the toy company wouldn’t be like sued? or like stop manufacturing the chucky doll? anyway, i would not be happy to see chucky in the box sitting there looking at me and i think i’d throw him in the back of the dump truck like that garbage dude tried to do.

6. my bloody valentine
type of box: a heart shaped box of chocolates
what’s in that box!?: oh just some chocolates and A HUMAN HEART!
ew, those chocolates probably taste like blood now too.

5. a christmas story
type of box: a big ass fragile wood box
what’s in that box!?: the leg lamp
the biggest life size crate ever holding a lamp a quarter of the size of it. but it’s frajeeelay so it’s gotta be pretty big i suppose.

4. se7en
type of box: a generic cardboard box
what’s in that box!?: the attractive part of gwyneth paltrow, because she doesn’t actually look like she does on the poster of shallow hal, you guys.
what’s in the box!? what do you think is in that box!? what’s the first thing you’d put in a box if you were like crazy and killed people and had an empty box to put something in. a head. duh.

3. hellraiser
type of box: a magical antique puzzlebox
what’s in that box!?: murder and cenobites
no one goes to morocco and buys a fucked up evil toy, why would you do that?!! that’s like just asking to get dead.

2. raiders of the lost ark
type of box: the ark of the covenant
what’s in that box!?: shit that melts off nazi face
everyone’s after this sweet ornate box of magic and little do they know it will MELT YOUR FACE! why would you want that?
harsh way to go, bro.

1. con air
type of box: a cardboard box full of goodies
what’s in that box!?: the bunny belongs in that box
the best box of all the movie boxes in the world is the one that the bunny is supposed to go back in. if that bunny doesn’t go back in the box, nic cage will fucking murder you.