i decided today that i will now be the next roger ebert. this movie inspired me. it sucks. the human centipede is about this really really ugly retired surgeon who has this life goal to put things together by the butts. why you ask!? he never really says. but he sure likes it.
see?! he has siamese thingies everywhere! he’s totes into it. so anyway, then these SUPER HOT AMERICAN CHIX (up there!) that don’t really ever show enough of their boobs stop by for help and oh no! now they’re drugged and they’re sooo gonna get human centipeded!!! WATCH OUT!
ohhh now we know this dude is bad because he buried his three dog right outside his mansion. i think he could have come up with a better name than three dog but he’s so ugly he’s stupid.
BEST QUOTE EVER!!! this is the very poignant and rational pleading of the japanese guy. if i’m ever tied down and tortured in a basement, i’m so playing the powerful jewish girl card. but the dr doesn’t fall for the japanese guy’s argument so he like doesn’t untie him.
so anyway, the surgery is a success! he connects the butts to mouths and removes the teeth and kneecaps. COOL! now they have one intestine and like one eats and poops it right through the people. oh and the japanese guy gets to be in front so basically hes getting double salad tossing for eternity. wow, this procedure is SHOCKING! mouths connected to anuses!? YUCK! you know what’d really be shocking?!
if they actually showed it! wearing bandage diapers was the laziest lamest way to do this ever. i don’t particularly want to see mouth butthole action, but i’m definitely not shocked by mouth underwear action. while watching this, i wondered… if you were an struggling actress (i say struggling TIGHTLY, the last movie the girl in the middle was in was willow! in which she was uncredited as a villager), would you take a role where you spent half the movie with your mouth in someones butt? i don’t think i’d take this role!

now editor, show us another shot of that very interesting tombstone!
oh thanks! i get it now!

anyway, the movie ends and people die and poop and eat poop and blah blah. but don’t worry! this is just the human centipede THE FIRST SEQUENCE! can’t wait for the next one where like more people will be at the end of the butts? wooooot.

3/10 : highly recommended. not. LOLZ.