remember i said i also wanted to honor mustaches the way i did beards? well nows your chance to read it.

10. taking pelham 1 2 3
stache-wearer: john travolta
stache-style: the butt-chin moat
travolta really needed to bring it to act next to denzel, so what better to bring the ruckus with than a killer chin accessory.

9. the pink panther
stache-wearer: steve martin
stache-style: the fag baguette
steve martin cracks us up because he looks so funny and french and stuff.

8. friday the 13th part 3(D)
stache-wearer: steve susskind (harold)
stache-style: el nose turd
harold’s just trying to enjoy his pet rabbit, fresh food, clean laundry, and comfortable mustache, making jason jealous therefore being deadened by him.

7. cop and 1/2
stache-wearer: burt reynolds
stache-style: the don’t call it a comeback caterpillar
the sure way to a little boy’s heart is through your upper lip.

6. weekend at bernie’s (REALLY?!)
stache-wearer: terry kaiser, bernie lomax.
stache-style: the rigor morelips
to stay dead and stay that cool and well manicured is a hard thing to do. but bernie does it flawlessly.

5. ferris bueller’s day off
stache-wearer: jeffrey jones
stache-style: the jonesin’ for boy cock
jeffrey jones rocked the most ironic and honest hair of them all. the pedophile worn by the pedophile.

4. world trade center
stache-wearer: nic cage
stache-style: the don’t i look like a cop ova hea?
nic cage is the master of developing new ways to embrace his face and head everyday.

3. major league
stache-wearer: james gammon
stache-style: the whiskey whiskers aka the live action garfield
the bright blonde really distracts from the bright red.

2. safe men
stache-wearer: mark ruffalo
stache-style: the stache points to my balls
mark ruffalo grows the fuzz to win back his lady but it doesn’t work, proving that it’s always worth a try.

1. sibling rivalry
stache-wearer: sam elliot
stache-style: the ear fur an ear
sam elliot is obviously the king of the lower half of a man’s face. but in this role in particular, he uses it to get a girl (yes, kirstie alley pre-not girl) in bed in like 30 seconds. and even when he dies on her, his mustache lives on in your brain for the rest of the movie.

*honorable mention: in & out or the firm or something
stache-wearer: wilford brimley
stache-style: the chanel suit of staches
because wilford is in so many movies and presents us with so many beautiful variations of what he can do with his lip, and i actually like so few of these movies although i do like him, he’s an honorable mention.

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