we all love proton packs and light sabers and time machines, right? but i’m not so sure those would be the first inventions on my christmas list. these ones are.

10. flubber
movie: flubber
crazy green slime that wreaks havoc? who wouldn’t want to play with that?

9. glasses that don’t fall off your face
movie: the jerk
wow, this invention is about as rad as the windshield wiping glasses screech (and myself, prior to the episode for the science fair in 2nd grade) invented. can you imagine wearing huge glasses that are always slipping down your nose, even when your nose is the size of steve martins? it would suck. therefore, this invention is revolutionary and stuff.

8. a hologram jazz musician to play at parties
movie: vanilla sky
it provides exciting live entertainment that you don’t have to pay for. and it doesn’t require drinks.

7. the amazing complete breakfast making machine
movie: pee-wee’s big adventure
doc brown attempted a contraption like this, and it didn’t really work until the third movie, but pee wee gets that shit right with perfectly cooked eggs, toast, waffles, the works. and all he has to do is light a candle.

6. the shrinking machine
movie: honey, i shrunk the kids
rick moranis, dipshit inventor, shrinks shit like his kids. but imagine being able to make your house items into a dollhouse. or shrinking your shit so you can travel easily with it. no more tsa bullshit.

5. the hoverboard & the food hydrator
movie: back to the future 2
for recreational use, the hoverboard would be amazing because people who can’t skate well would probably be pretty good at it on a hoverboard. or maybe not with the whole balancing issue. for practical use, the food hydrator is just rad. it’s like the brown n crisp but awesome and working.

4. the memory erasing thingy
movie: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (and men in black kinda too, huh)
we all want to get rid of those painful memories of a breakup and stuff. imagine if this was a product from your home and you could erase the hazy uncomfortable memory of a drunken mistake ridden night too, from the comfort of your own bed.

3. the orgazmorator
movie: orgazm0 (and sleeper too)
the gun that shoots people into have orgasms. duh. i’d also take this with me to disneyland and shoot families with it and just laugh forever.

2. wonka vision
movie: willy wonka and the chocolate factory
we’ve all seen commercials for a cheeseburger and been like man i want that cheeseburger in my mouth this instant! with wonkavision, it really could be in your mouth in an instant. cmon.

1. sweet ass potions
movie: love potion number 9 and death becomes her
anti-aging potion would be pretty awesome, and i’d like some. but more so, love potion would mean your life would consist of everyone ever being in love with you. whether it’s genuine or not, you wouldn’t have to pay for anything again in your life. ever. and you could marry marlon wayans if you wanted to.