whether they’re gullible, oblivious or just plain unintelligent, these characters didn’t use their brains enough to come through and not fuck things up. although, god love em, without these idiots, we might not have these movies at all! dumb people are crucial to movie plots!

featured dim-wit: argyle, the limo driver

how bad they blew it: he would have been a hero!

argyle is a spunky guy, a real hoot. he is invested in his client, john mcclane, and wants to see to it that everything works out for him. yet, while he waits downstairs to get the ok from john to go, he spends his time chatting on the phone and being argyle. completely oblivious to the loud exploding building sounds and sirens all over the place. had he been aware to what was going on, maybe he could have saved the day. but he didn’t do shit.

featured dim-wit: sally field

how bad they blew it: she could have had him thrown behind bars fo sho

ok, it’s one thing for your dumb ugly kids to not notice that its their dad wearing a dress, they’re kids. and they’re stupid kids. but sally field, you married the guy. you reproduced with him, leading one to believe you had sex with robin williams at least three times. (YUCK!!!) and you can’t tell that it’s him!? seriously, sally field, thats pretty stupid of you. oh, and not to mention you blew it with james bond for him. HA!

featured dim-wit: patrick wilson

how bad they blew it: i’d say he could have avoided all that drama

ok guys, we know sam jackson is a cop. and that sucks, he’s totally corrupt and scary. and he lives right next door to you. but just because he is a cop doesnt mean its not worth trying to tell people about it. if the cops that are close buds with him aren’t gonna believe you, other cops will. maybe try like another police force. or tell a lawyer. do something. duh.

featured dim-wit: dr. cocteau
how bad they blew it: he just ruined the world he created

dr. cocteau thinks its a good idea to kill the leader of the homeless people using the ultimate frozen bad guy simon phoenix. so he lets him escape when he gets unfrozen for parole and run amok around the city dr. cocteau has built. and whats stupider than letting the worst bad guy ever out to ruin your beautiful peaceful world with murder death kills? making sure he can’t murder death kill you. not making sure NO ONE can murder death kill you, just him. that way, it wouldnt be a problem to have simon phoenix just have someone else kill you for him, right?

newman is a disloyal employee at jurassic park. he decides he’s going to steal embryos and sell them! but during the stealing session, a rain storm occurs. so in order to escape, he turns off the security system. and what happens when you turn off the security system at a park full of dinosaurs? they get out and they kill you guys! and newman so dies.

mr meaney thinks the best idea for when all the criminals are flying to the SUPERMAX PRISON (sounds cool!), is to send an undercover agent to try to get info out of the drug lord. granted, probably not a good idea to have all those scary criminals on a plane anyway. but they agree to do it, without a weapon! but mr meaney, always thinking on his toes, slips the undercover agent a gun… just in case! good going, guy. now look what happened. oh, and you should read about con air from this genius.

clearly the amity island mayor cares about his town and the touristry industry and whatnot. but maybe it’s best to listen to the people and see that like a shark is eating people. maybe its best to tell people, “don’t go in that ocean. there’s like a massive hungry shark there.” if it were up to the smart guys like brody, a bunch of people would be alive still! its all that mayors fault.

featured dim-wit: sue ellen

how bad they blew it: she did some stupid shit

let’s start from the top. the babysitter dies. i know the name and plot of the movie includes “don’t tell mom” but maybe you should just tell her, amiright? no kids, she’s not going to blame an old lady dying on you guys. ok, fine you decide you won’t tell her. whatever. now you have to dispose of the body. whats the first thing people do when they dispose of bodies? they check the body to make sure there’s nothing on them. all the money for the summer? don’t bother checking if it’s on her. oops, there goes the money. oh and don’t bother telling your new boyfriend the truth about you posing as an adult, just keep making up lies so that it really creates some drama!

featured dim-wit: doc brown

how bad they blew it: he’s always blowing it

doc brown brings marty to the future because he just came back from the future and knows that martys kids are gonna get into some trouble. maybe a note would have sufficed? but no, he has to do everything the hard way. i’ve written about this before, but the doc just fucks things up left and right. he tranqs elizabeth shue too much that he doesnt have enough to tranq marty jr so he won’t go to the diner to meet griff. he forces marty to throw away the sports almanac, rather than taking it with them back to 1985 so that it won’t get in the wrong hands. basically anything that goes wrong is caused by doc brown being a moron.

featured dim-wit: chazz palminteri

how bad they blew it: he’s a real fool. a REAL FOOL.

evil kaizer soze is in an office with detective chazz. he’s hanging with him and he hasn’t a clue! kaizer spends however long (2 hours in real time?) making up all these stories based on everything around the room. he’s a detective. and detectives are supposed to detect things like bullshit. like hours of bullshit. if he just turned around once, he’d maybe recognize something right? but he never turns around. not until about 2 minutes too late. because detectives in movies are slow.