movies try to make you think they’re all high and mighty and moral, but really, they’re not. they do things and make them seem ok when they’re really not ok! so don’t believe everything you see in movies, because they’re making you bad people! but for realz, movies have taught me a lot.

10. it’s ok to fall in love with a child if he’s in a man body
movie: big
if you meet a guy, who looks like a normal adult dude, but seems a little off because he’s just so child-like, don’t assume he’s a kid in a man body. fall in love with him. fall deeply in love with him and his youthful spirit. and then when you find out he’s a kid in a man body, it’s totally understandable if you still wanna tap that. so drop him off at his mom’s house and sit outside until he goes through puberty.

9. it’s ok to break into a house and live there if you’re cute about it
movie: housesitter

if you meet a guy, and he says he has a vacant house he built. FIND IT! move in! and build a life for yourself. once he discovers you living there, there’s nothing he can do because you’ve already built that life for yourself. so he’s just gotta join you and provide for you financially. and fall in love and then you’ll live happily ever after. i assume you can’t get away with this if you’re not adorable though. so ladies, if you find a vacant house, move on in and fall in love. that is, if you’re attractive.

8. it’s ok to bet your fiancee in a poker game if you run out of money
movie: honeymoon in vegas

if you go to vegas to get married, you better put off the wedding so you can play some high stakes poker in a strange hotel room with creepy guys. that’s what vegas is all about after all. but here’s the real advice. when you’ve bet all the money you have, don’t stop now! you can just hand over your woman to him, and she will love you even more if she’s nothing more than collateral to you.

7. it’s ok to kidnap people if you’re the good guys and you have a somewhat reasonable explanation
movie: ruthless people
you invent the spandex mini skirt and deserve millions. but if your idea gets stolen by a crazy midget and he becomes a millionaire, you have every right to kidnap his wife for ransom. don’t worry, you’ll still be the good guys! kidnapping is no big thing if the kidnapee is way bitchier than you.

6. it’s ok to fall in love with your student and be pissed if you find out she’s your age
movie: never been kissed
if you have a student who you just click with, it’s ok! you can love her all you want. because deep down inside you know that she’s an old soul. if she turned out to be unfortunately older than you believed, you have EVERY right to be pissed. she lied! she’s like, an adult! and legal. what a bitch. she’s just not the young high school girl you thought she was.

5. it’s ok to leave your child alone in new york if you’ve already left him at home once and he’s not dead
movie: home alone 2: lost in new york
who wants that annoying son around who hates his family? you guys don’t. you prefer vacations without him. so if you’ve already left him at home while you and your entire family vacationed in europe, you can trust that he’ll be fine in a strange city alone this time. he’ll get a suite at the plaza and make friends with creepy old homeless bird ladies in attics of churches and they’ll take great care of him.

4. it’s ok to lock your parents in your basement if you think they still love each other
movie: house arrest
everyone knows if your parents are considering a divorce, you don’t let them even consider it! you react as quickly as you can to stop this nonsense. the best strategy is to lock them in the basement until they work all these problems out and love each other again! because parents just need to be stuck together in a basement to realize that divorce is not an option. hey and while you’re at it, you might as well stick like 20 more adults down there too. don’t worry about getting punished, this plan works like a charm and they’ll thank you when it’s over.

3. it’s ok to bang your fiancees sister if your fiancee bangs your brother
movie: the family stone
your family hates your uptight fiancee and they’re as rude as they can be to her, rightly so, she’s only your fiancee. but if you meet her sister, and you think she’s slightly prettier, you might as well go for it. no harm done in a little lover swap between siblings, amiright? dan in real life taught this too. think it’s weird to have sex with the same vagina your brother did? it’s not. it’s perfectly acceptable and everyone will live happily ever after. but without their mom. she dies.

2. it’s ok to lie to social services about your identity if you just love cute kids
movie: big daddy
social services? no big deal. lie all you want to them. they’re not gonna find out for like years. or however long the time line of this movie lasts for. and once they find out you lied, the kid will just get taken away. nothing bad will happen to you and you’ll go on living your life like the good guy who just loves stealing children but doesn’t go to prison for it that you are. don’t worry, the girl you’ve been dating won’t mind that it’s not actually your kid. and she’ll let you impreginate her.

1. it’s ok to make a woman with amnesia your wife if you plan on falling in love with her
movie: overboard
the rich bitch you work for gets amnesia. best thing to do is convince her she’s your wife and make her do all the chores and take care of your ten ugly kids. because you’re not a bad guy if you fall in love with her. then it’s ok to make her do anything you say. because she’ll have no choice but to fall in love with you too. she has every reason to, she’s your wife. and when she finds out the truth, she’ll realize she loves you anyway because you’re such a great guy for kidnapping her from her perfect life. and you’ll get the girl!

*honorable mention: it’s ok to be madly in love with your daughter if you’re her dad
movie: father of the bride
every father has the right to love their daughter with all their might. because that daughter wouldn’t exist without a dad. so if you reeeeally love that daughter of yours, and you dream about her all the time, and fantasize about playing basketball with her late at night alone, you’re a normal dad. a great dad, at that. you should do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn’t marry that guy who isn’t you. she’s your property!

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